Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
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AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper