please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
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I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Godspeed, John Glenn
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool