please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
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Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
My whole life was a lie.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper