please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
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My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.