Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
You Might Also Like
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
May never get over this
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Is your wife single?
Bed should get ready for ME
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.