Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
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Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
new year update: losing everything but weight
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
IT’S-A ME,
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
As the Lord intended
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
I know