please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
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I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Cake!!
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
i prefer mine room temperature.
Still laughing at this stupid meme