Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
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[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying