Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
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I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??