“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
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If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Bond. Trauma bond.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones