Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
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Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.