please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
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*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays