Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
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….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
he was correct
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
I have never related to anyone more.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance