Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
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Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.