Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
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Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
December birthdays be like…
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.