Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
You Might Also Like
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
guilty
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.