Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
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Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Doggies just call it style.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Tuesday
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.