Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
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ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
just gave your address to some spiders
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
marvel comics have peaked