Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
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As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Me checking my bank balance online.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
respect
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*