“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
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Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
My five year plan is a meteorite
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian