Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
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Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*