Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
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Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.