Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
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it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Effort made
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
PARKOUR
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator