please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
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Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT