Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
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Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”