“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
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I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
And shoot enemies ♫
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sorry this might take a while…
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Wife: No reason.
Wife: Here, taste this.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually