please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
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Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
yeah not falling for this one
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.