“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
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Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Yoga Matt
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
LOOOOOOL
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.