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mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?