#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
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[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
brian had himself a morning…