Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
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If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.