Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
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So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn