Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
You Might Also Like
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Customize Your Wedding.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.