Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
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Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
For the orator and chef in all of us
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.