Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
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the simulation is moving too fast
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”