Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
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gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?