plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
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There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
🤣dope
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?