Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
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She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.