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my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.