Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
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Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.鈥nd that鈥檚 why I鈥檓 not getting laid tonight.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
hi aliens, if you鈥檙e harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I鈥檓 going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 馃槶
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
If I wasn鈥檛 meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should鈥檝e had more trick or treaters.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i鈥檓 over in the cereal.
wife: but i鈥檓 in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I know a horrible idea when I see it.