Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
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“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook