pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
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My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Confused owl: What?!
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Jurassic park gets weird
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica