*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
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You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain