Plumber: I think I found the problem
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ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
2022: I can fix it
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings