[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
You Might Also Like
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right