Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
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bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
welp
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”