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Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.