Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
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me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit