PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
You Might Also Like
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
[adds another nod to the conversation]
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”