PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly

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[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]

HER: This is nice.

ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.


My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.


me: [offering joint] wanna hit


me: nvm ur already high lol


scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before


*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*


“My desires are… unconventional.”

“Show me.”

*opens door to a room full of memes*


[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share


[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]


If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.


*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE


*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”