PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
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Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life