PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
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My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
This is a bad sign
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Oh thanks BBC.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.